If you do a Bing search for Agnes Nutter, chances are you’ll come up with something like this:
Agnes Nutter was a witch in the 17th century and the only truly accurate prophet to have ever lived. She wrote a book called The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch, a collection of prophecies that did not sell very well because they were unspectacular, cryptic and, ironically enough, all true. She, in fact, decided to publish it only so she could receive a free author’s copy. This copy is passed down to her descendants, and is currently owned by her multi-great granddaughter Anathema Device. Agnes was burned at the stake by a mob; however, because she had foreseen her fiery end and had packed 80 pounds of gunpowder and 40 pounds of roofing nails into her petticoats, everyone who participated in the burning was killed instantly.
Doesn’t that paragraph make Agnes Nutter sound like some sort of medieval badass? My friend Agnes Nutter, the 21st century version, is equally badass. I want you to know Agnes Nutter aka Lauren Bush aka Lauren Gunnell aka Baldy McCancertits… Before I carry on, however, I’d love you to check out some of her brilliance that has been featured here on my blog:
So who is Agnes Nutter?
The High School Years
I knew her in high school as Lauren Bush. Yep, that was her name back then. Here’s a highly photoshopped photo of us at prom together:
Full disclosure: we did not go to prom together, but god damn if I could turn back time we totally would have (no offense, Tiffany)… Here’s the original photo, can you find us? (it’s like the easiest Where’s Waldo activity ever – if you can’t find us, see a doctor):
Lauren was always a buddy of mine, but I had no idea how close we would become until we were adults. You know how most high school friendships kind of dwindle with time? By some miracle, Agnes (Lauren) and I have gotten closer and closer through the years. Even though we live 750 miles apart, we still keep in touch on a regular basis #thanksinternet.
Reconnecting via The Facebook Years
Several years ago I got a friend request on Facebook from Agnes Nutter. The photo looked a lot like Lauren, but I had no idea if it was actually her or some weird spam bot. I accepted her friend request and immediately knew it was her. Agnes has this honest, unapologetic, hilarious, outrageous, and mildly inappropriate manner in which she speaks. It’s uncanny how we are two peas in a pod with nearly identical humor.
Every time I visit Utah, I make a plan to have some Agnes time. Her wit and charm keep me young. Look at us, aging well like some sort of fancy wine.
We’ve both been very fortunate in our adult lives. Things generally go our way… that was up until Agnes recently received some pretty devastating news.
Introducing Baldy McCancertits
Cancer sucks. If there’s a God, I don’t understand why He would allow something so fatal, so sad, so utterly heart-breaking enter into anyone’s life. Thank God Agnes kept her sense of humor after hearing the devastating news. She created yet another new name to go by – Baldy McCancertits. Sometimes we make light of tragic situations as a coping mechanism. Or, like Agnes and I, we make light of pretty much everything 😉 Life is so much better if you can laugh at it.
How is it that we don’t have a cure for cancer yet? It’s 2017! We can clone, we can eradicate diseases, we can successfully map the human genome, why the fuck can’t we cure cancer?
Luckily, we can fight it, and Agnes is a fighter. She’s gonna drop-kick the cancer out of her body one way or another. April 11th is going to be the beginning of a 6 month regimen of intensive chemo therapy. At the end of it all, she’ll undergo invasive surgery and radiation therapy.
Fighting cancer doesn’t come cheap. Agnes and her young family are going to be struggling for quite sometime unless we can get some people to help chip in. Please. I want Agnes to fight this without the inevitable added financial stress. So do me a favor, click this link. You may not know Agnes yet, but know that she is a very important person to me. At the very least, click the photo below and read her story.
You need to know Agnes Nutter and I’m determined to make it happen. Agnes is brilliant. She’s hilarious. She’s my really good friend.
Agnes, I love you so much. I’m so happy that we have reconnected post high school. Good luck – kick this cancer in the asshole and let’s move on. We have years of celebrating that we can’t miss out on.