Do you know what I love? I love that you can get a delicious adult beverage at almost every single business in Oregon. Hell, I can even get beer at Starbucks or a complimentary glass (or bottle because I’m cute enough) of wine while I’m getting my haircut. In addition to all of the liquor licenses that Oregon businesses enjoy, the successful ones have a happy hour featuring special prices on their drinks. Oh, and did I mention that tonight I’m drinking a 5.4% pale ale that I purchased at the grocery store? (Did I also mention that I’m drinking four of them?) Oregon is awesome and completely different from Utah, the state I moved from.
In Utah, they don’t just hand out liquor licenses like Oprah gives away cars. Only a small number of licenses are given out to local businesses. If a business is lucky enough to get a liquor license they have several restrictions like “clickers” and being unable to have a happy hour. In Utah, there is no such thing as a happy hour. Drinks will always be the same price, all the time. Also, bar tenders have to use what’s called a “clicker”, something that attaches to the bottle to accurately measure out an ounce of alcohol – yep, just. one. ounce. I’ll never forget the first time I got a rum and Coke in OR. The bartender filled up my cup with rum and added a splash of coke. I seriously had to ask for a can of coke to mix into my drink – I was used to the way Utah bars poured drinks, not how the rest of the world enjoyed them. Let me just say, free pouring is awesome – and you save a lot of money!!! Going to a grocery store in UT? You’re not going to find any champagne or wine. You also won’t find beer that is above 3.2% (unless you get some of the local beer which can go up to 4%). If you want a good strong beer, you’ll have to head on over to the state run liquor store (if you can find one, they seem to keep shutting down) and wait in a ridiculously long line. And then there are the restaurants. Restaurants in Utah have what we call a “Zion curtain”. It’s a 7’2″ wall that separates bartenders from the public so that no one can see adult drinks being made. Are you fucking kidding me?! That seems completely asinine! Where is the harm in seeing how a drink is made? Someone please explain this to me. Another weird thing about restaurants and bars, if you get beer from the tap, it’ll come to you at 3.2% – no exceptions. My advice: when in Utah, go for a bottle.
With legislative season just a week away, the LDS church has stepped in and started speaking out on liquor laws. They like the way things are and they don’t want things to change. Someone from the quorum of the 12 (an old dude from super high up in the church) posted on an LDS church website that the church would like the liquor laws to stay the same. The church even posted this cute little video which tries to demonstrate that the current laws are hunky-dory:
What boggles my mind is that when I was a young Mormon, I had always been taught that church and state (religion and politics) didn’t mix. We were allowed to practice our faith while still respecting the laws that our politicians made. As an adult, it seems like Mormons are taking a much more active role in politics (don’t even get me started on what they did with prop 8.) What bugs me about this is that Mormons, the people who don’t enjoy a good adult beverage, are telling everyone else that the laws are fine and that changes don’t need to be made. Of course they think the laws are fine, they don’t even like booze! Why can’t they just sit back and choose not to drink? Why do they have to make it miserable for people who do enjoy beer, or wine, or a delicious Pimm’s cup from Bar X (Oh hi Ty Burrell, Phil from Modern Family, thanks for the delicious Pimm’s!)
Seriously guys, stop meddling. Just go do that crazy thing you do and let the rest of us do what we want to do. If I want a beer and a husband, let me have a beer and a husband. If you want a wife and some jello, go for it!